Disclaimer: This is purely a work of sarcasm and no nutritionist or diet was hurt in the making of this post but…
Let’s face it, nobody really wants to be on a diet. We pretend like we don’t know but everyone knows that diets are a scam. They promise us quick weight loss, better health, and glowing skin.
All nice-to-haves but at what cost? Counting calories, staying hungry all day, avoiding carbs, and drinking green smoothies that taste almost as bad as bitter leaf water. If you like diets, you should probably stop here.
Diets may sound like a good idea in theory, but in reality, they’re a total nightmare. For me, there are many things I would rather do than start a diet – jump from a plane, climb Mount Everest, join a food challenge and get married, amongst other things.
Here’s why I might never start a diet despite my ever-expanding waistline.
Food is Life
What’s the point of living if you can’t indulge in delicious treats whenever you want? Sure, a salad might be healthy, but it’s also boring as well.
Leafy greens and a bit of fruit are supposed to be a snack to support the main dish. Let’s not even go into daily oatmeal and boiled eggs with unspiced chicken.
Give me a big plate of jollof rice any day of the week. I will burn the calories while making pounded yam for dinner.
I lack the mental fortitude
I don’t have the willpower. I’m sorry, but I’m not cut out for the whole “eating clean” thing. I’ll take a bag of plantain chips over a plate of steamed veggies any day.
I can’t reject a hot plate of egusi and eba in the hopes that I’ll go home to eat cabbage, lettuce and an apple. I just can’t.
I love food too much
Bread, spaghetti, rice, banga, shawarma…I can’t imagine a life without them. Like a newly printed Lagos baddie, good food is my hobby and love language.
I can’t give up shawarma, burgers, ice cream, and chocolate in the name of “health.” Life is too short to deprive myself of the things I love and I’m sure they have some sort of advantage to my body.
I heard that dark chocolate makes you hotter. So there’s that.
Diets are for rich people
Have you seen the price of Greek Yoghurt these days? Or is it the gluten-free, sugar-free, dairy-free, everything-free food that you need to eat to stay on a healthy diet?
It’s enough to make your bank account bleed. I have come to the conclusion that diets are for rich people, I can’t afford to eat like an Elizabethan prince all the time. I shall stick to cheap, unhealthy treats.
Life is too short
Seriously, why waste your time counting calories and measuring portions when you could be out there living your best life? Biting down on every piece of meat you can find.
I’d rather have a good time than obsess over every morsel I put in my mouth. And if that means eating a loaf of bread in one sitting, so be it.
I don’t want to be a hangry monster
The person who came up with the line, a hungry man is an angry man, was definitely on to something when he did. When you’re on a diet, you’re probably going to be hungry all the time. And when I’m hungry, I get cranky.
No one wants to be around a hangry monster. Trust me, it’s not a good look. There’s also the small problem that I might start seeing your ear as premium shaki!
I don’t want to be a slave to the scale
Diets are all about the numbers – how many calories you’re eating, how much weight you’re losing, blah blah blah. What does the scale know about my struggles?
I’d rather focus on how I feel than what the scale says. And if that means eating a giant slice of cake, who says no? I feel awesome and healthier than Usain Bolt in his prime.
All I’m trying to say is bring back our carbs, diets are the absolute worst.
That’s why I’m joining the Fusion Food Friday Challenge to win amazing Foodie prizes.
Apparently, all I have to do is download the Fusion App, join the Food and Drink community and post a picture/video of something you ate this week and why it’s interesting, get engagement on the post and win prizes weekly.
